A new phase of life

Questioning my values and finding balance

There’s a moment I realized the values that I grew up pining after were hindrances in the real world. It was not an earth-shattering moment like I expected, a sudden tear of a bandage, skin raw and stinging. Rather, it was a gnawing sensation, like a vine burrowing beneath my gut.

Said values are not just personal, but deep-rooted cultural ones, packaged and repackaged throughout history as idioms. With that comes a reckoning with heritage, the language and fables seeped in my bones. 磨杵成针 (mó chǔ chéng zhēn) means “to grind an iron pestle into a needle.” Another idiom, 愚公移山 (yú gōng yí shān), translates to “the foolish old man removes mountains.”

Both convey that through perseverance and hard work, even the most difficult tasks can be accomplished. They allude to the values 老实 (lǎo shī) and 吃苦 (chī kǔ), both deeply rooted in cultural significance and lacking a perfect English equivalent. The former has several contextual meanings, at times positive like honesty and well-behaved, at other times slightly negative, like naive and lacking cleverness. The latter means to eat bitterness, emphasizing delayed gratification, resilience, and the appreciation for struggle in the path to success. Put down your head, don’t ask questions, just keep working hard and one day, success will come quietly.

These values make the perfect package for a diligent student. I was first described as diligent in first grade by a fellow student (just gifted program things). In a baby photo guessing game for my brother, my parents described me as “his older sister [who] loves reading and doing homework.” I was known to condemn taking shortcuts, cheating of any kind, and preferred independent work. Even in post-grad life, a friend said I have an “unconscious diligence” in my professional, personal/social, and athletic life.

However, in the professional setting, especially in business functions, leverage is key. We love high returns and strategic delivery. Answer first. Spitfire analytical insights and next steps. Interlace that with punch and wit, and you’re golden. But don’t forget, highlight your wins without seeming arrogant; advocate for yourself without seeming selfish.

Garnering attention for your successes is literally a foreign concept. The Chinese response to people who brag about their achievements is 别吹牛 (bié chuī niú), don’t boast, but literally means “don’t blow a cow.” The term reflects the general distaste in Chinese culture for arrogance, often linked with dishonesty. Instead, Chinese society values humility (谦虚, qiānxū), and this comes with the belief that the rewards for effort will come quietly.

There’s a fine balance between recognizing that my upbringing has me a step behind in accommodating to Western business norms, and having it dictate my behavior. I don’t want it to become a self-fulfilling prophecy, showing up to a room with wavering confidence because I automatically assume I’ll be disadvantaged.

I asked a few friends and mentors how to walk this tight rope. The common narrative was to focus less on weaknesses, more on strengths:

Find roles or responsibilities more suited to your strengths.

For instance, if public speaking and charisma don’t come naturally (and you anticipate they never will), consider a role as a researcher instead.

Reframe “weaknesses” as strengths.

For me, I grew out of my reserved nature in high school and soon became outspoken, but my continued writing reflects my introspectiveness and desire to chew on thoughts before spitting them out. While this makes it hard to generate critical insights on the spot, it ensures follow-through: my words match my actions.

Broaden the convention for what is considered a strength.

We typically associate effective leadership with dominance and decisiveness — the ability to inspire others to follow in your footsteps. There’s a different kind of leadership that lifts people from below—sponsorship (helping others achieve their broader aspirations) and servanthood (investing on behalf of others and finding joy in their successes).

Remember that other people will inflate their strengths.

They don’t actually have as many as they say they do. We’re all anxious overachievers. The only difference is that some people grew up receiving a greater amount of external validation from their caretakers/society.

Every admirable trait has a flip side.

It’s all about framing and balance. The most confident people can come off as arrogant; the most ambitious people can alienate their team.

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sunset @ the arboretum in d.c.

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket

It’s been a year since I graduated and in some ways, life is the same: I’m still in D.C., the people I hang out with are in their early twenties and live within a two-block radius from me, I run in the mornings (mostly alone but sometimes with friends), and occasionally splurge on a nice dinner in the evenings. I sometimes feel like I’m living more of the college life now than I was at Georgetown. I go out more, I have friends whose parents know me by name, and hardly do I ever work alone in my room.

TL;DR: life is good.

As expected, a new phase of life brings new questions to chew on. The latest musings relate to the idiom: Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Diversify to decrease risk.

Basket set one: D.C. vs. New York City (or another city)

Within arm’s length is the point where the label “friends” casts a net over alumni from Georgetown, visitors from out of town, coworkers, and people I meet in other random places. I can mix and match contexts within various groups: girl bosses, people to run with, churchgoers, electronic music enjoyers.

Maybe I don’t have to move to New York City, don’t have to be pulled into the social epicenter. What if I can create my own force of gravity in D.C.? It’s cleaner and cheaper here, anyway. But the professional opportunities… they’ll eventualy pull me up North.

Basket set two: Work vs. Life

When is work just a job versus something so compelling it no longer feels like work? Maybe your hobbies alone quench your extracurricular thirst and that’s enough.

This may explain the rise of self-taught DJs. Day job titles include software engineers who sit behind a desk all day, coding away at a tiny algorithm that the everyday person will never grasp; investment bankers who spend the weekend bent over PowerPoint slide decks but never get to face the client.

Indeed, DJing is such an attractive and enticing hobby. The distance (spatial and temporal) between the artist and the audience is nil. From an audience perspective, you link the free-spirited bliss you feel to the DJ performing his/her craft; the DJ gets to witness how their art immediately uplifts the listeners and set a mood for the room.

Shoutout to WL for bringing house music and Asian American community to Georgetown!

Maybe it’s not even about maintaining “work life balance” at a single time (i.e. the same position in a large tech company for a decade), but having different phases of your life that balance out across the timeline (i.e. what some consultants do):

work hard for a few years, dedicate a couple months to passion exploration, work even harder, spend a few weeks on travel, come back to learn everything and anything and connect with new people, then take all those accumulated resources to pivot to what drives you.

Do you want to work for a company, or make a company work for you?

Do you like to be told what to do? Or set your own agenda?

Do you like finding community outside of your coworkers? Or do you like to make coworkers a part of your community? ¹

Basket set three: Partner vs. Friend

Best friends to lovers? Or lovers to best friends?

What are your needs that can only be fulfilled by a partner versus things you can get from friends?

… What are some of your baskets?

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🎁 Happy holidays and see you in 2025!

I’ll be heading home for 2 days and then I’m off to Honolulu 🌺

1. I personally enjoy being able to talk about career-related topics to someone who can empathize but not necessarily be in the exact industry or company